Don't Cry for Me, Figwit Baby
by Celandine Brandybuck
Summary: Filk, sung by Legolas about Figwit. Humorous, slash.
1. Don't Cry for Me, Figwit Baby

Disclaimer: Much disclaiming to be done on this one. Most of the persons, places, and the events referred to are the property of the Tolkien Estate. Peter Jackson's film version of LotR is also referenced. The character of Figwit was created, so far as I know, by inDUHvidual and Arwenelf on the basis of an Elf extra who appears at the Council of Elrond in the film. You can find a website devoted to Figwit at http://www.figwitlives.net/. The idea of _Silmarillion: The Musical_ and several other references are from Cassandra Claire's _Very Secret Diaries_, which can be found in several places online, including http://diaries.diagon.org/. The form of the poem is modeled on the song "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" from the rock opera _Evita_, lyrics by Tim Rice. As always, I write in admiration, with no intention of intellectual theft from any party.

A/N: This particular parody is very unlike my usual work. I have no wish to disown it, but be aware that I rarely write either humor or slash! Chapter 2 is effectively more of the same.

  
  


"Don't Cry for Me, Figwit Baby (Legolas's Theme)," from _Silmarillion: The Musical_

  
  


It isn't easy to be so cool. 

And I will not explain my techniques - 

How I pluck and I groom and peroxide my hair. 

You may be jealous - 

All that you see is the swooning of crowds - 

But now I've a secret to tell: 

For you they'll be equally loud.

  
  


You have to keep your silence, and keep that pout. 

Arwenelf and Ms. DUH will make you 

Nothing less than an icon, and a rival to me. 

You'll have a website, 

Interviews too, what a thrill it will be. 

Such fame as you'd never expect 

For the character "Elf number three."

  
  


But don't cry for me Figwit baby! 

The truth is, I will outlast you. 

I'm in the next film 

And the one after; 

You'll have your moment, 

But hear my laughter.

  
  


For I'll have more than your fleeting fame. 

Yes, blonde hair will win in the end. 

All the Hobbits will fall for my archery skills. 

Though Sam may kill me, 

Still I'll travel with Frodo and you'll be stuck here. 

Although Elrond may fancy you still, 

I will see if the Ringbearer's queer.

  
  


No don't cry for me Figwit baby! 

For the truth is, 

I will outlast you. 

I'm in the next film 

And the one after; 

You'll have your moment, 

But hear my laughter.

  
  


(Will I lose my looks? 

There's nothing worse I can think of in any day. 

But since I left that Figwit guy in Rivendell 

The prettiest I'll stay...)


	2. High Flying, Figwit

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

  
  


A/N: "High Flying, Adored" is the next song after "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in the libretto to _Evita_. I just went on with the lyrics. No idea why, really.

  
  


"High Flying, Figwit," from _Silmarillion: The Musical_

  
  


_The chorus from TOR.n sings:_

  
  


High flying, Figwit, so cool, at the big council

A dark handsome young Elf who stared in silence, he sat between

Our Strider of the Rangers and some dude

He was just an extra then

Pouting and sulking

No good at talking

  
  


High flying, Figwit, did you not hope to have counsel given

Not just sat and stared, but to have joined the lads in Rivendell?

Was there some mystery that kept you from speech?

Did you come from the Havens or the forest of Lórien?

No one knows and that Figwit will not tell

  
  


High flying, Figwit, what will you do? Will you appear again to us?

For someone so briefly on screen your fans have sure made a fuss

A shame you were not cast as Legolas

But it's too late for that

Orlando Bloom did

Quite a good job, kid

  
  


High flying, Figwit, We hope you find success in movies

Job offers will come to you, you know, although you may not want them now

You've been made by the fandom - can you really act?

So put paid to the rumors, and show us that you do know how

Arwenelf and DUH will come and bow...

  
  


_Figwit sings:_

  
  


I may be Figwit, but as you know, I am more than just that

My story's quite usual - local guy is cast and ends a star

I was at the audition and they picked me out

Then I sat at the table, the rest you already know

You'll see me, I'm going very far


End file.
